Last night I had a nice cry session. One of those cries that is born from the pain of love. A cry that expresses love in itself. Sometimes love looks like sadness. Sometimes appreciation looks like crying. Sometimes appreciation feels like sadness.
What made me cry was this 5 picture graphic on instagram, showing the circle of life. It starts out with the picture of a pregnant woman leaning against a wall out of contractual pain. The next picture is of her shedding tears of joy after the birth of her baby son. Followed then by an image of her seeing her 5 year old son off to school for the first time, both in smiles. Then a picture of the son running to her as he just graduated college. After that being a picture of the mom, much older now, seeing her son marry his wife. Then a picture of the mother, now a grandma, playing with her grand daughter.
Then, the final picture, where the son and his family is at the grave of his mother. And that's where I fucking lost it. And as I'm typing this I'm crying again.
I cry because in my own relationship to my mother, we are half way through that circle of life. The next slide being her seeing me marry my wife. It brought a realism of how long her and I are still going to be alive at the same time. And although it's still a solid 20-30 years left, hopefully even 40 years, there's still a timeline and an end date. It's sad, I know, but it's true.
The crying is a one of deep pain that I know I'll feel when my mother is gone. I cannot express how much I love my mother. My tears, and this emotion, is the best I have.
There are times when I cry like this at similar thoughts of my father. In fact, I think it's exactly the same in terms of emotion and pain.
I love both of them so much. I appreciate both of them so much.
I know that it's possible for me to use that love I have for my parents to fuel the way I show up in the world, particularly for other people.
That the ultimate honor I can serve my parents is by being someone that uses the love they raised me with to love every person I come in contact with.
And not necessarily through kisses or gifts, but through the way I interact with them. The way I take care of myself. The level at which I take responsibility for myself and everyone else on earth.
To never need anything from others in terms of love and appreciation. As such, to be in the space of giving, not taking. Of being available. Of being filled, being full. Not empty. Not needing to be filled.
Having an infinite supply of love to have for myself and give away to others.
Of not needing others to fill me up in any way. I don't need others, or the world, to show up a certain way for me in order to be happy, joyous, loved, and appreciated.
I don't need to be associated with attractive people. I don't need people to admire me for my results. I don't even need to share my results at all. I don't need anything.
No need for validation. No need to take from you. Needing nothing. Wanting nothing.
Only wanting to give. Unconcerned with my own needs because they're always covered.
What do YOU need? MY back is covered.
All of this to say, that when I cry over my mother or father, certain emotions arise that remind me of something much deeper than any accomplishment or piece of recognition could do for me.
That even more than getting a six pack or being a millionaire is helping others get a six pack and be a millionaire.
To give and help.
To bring happiness to others. To as many people as possible.
And in the process, make the entire world a better place.
Much love,
Gabriel Santos
p.s. I tried finding the pictures that made me cry, but didn't yet. When I do, I'll add it to this post.
