I didn't know it, but I was secretly using social media to validate my self-worth and feel loved. I'd post things like what I'm up to, my success, and my results in hopes of being praised, liked, and loved.
"Wow! You're amazing, Gabe"
"Oh my goodness, we are so impressed!"
These are the kinds of things I was secretly looking to hear and feel. Not necessarily from other people, but yeah.
I read something a colleague of mine posted on IG the other day. It was to the affect of "confidence is quiet and in action, insecurity is loud and needs attention."
Literally, this quote and its message hit home as fuck. I saw the correlation between my hidden social media agenda and insecurity.
The truth is that I've known myself as someone who isn't enough. Someone who doesn't create results. Someone who isn't capable of achieving his goals. Someone who is insecure and needs people to praise him in order to feel secure.
No judgment. All love. There's a part of me that really empathizes and feels for a person (in this case myself) who on some deep level is empty and needs others to fill him/her up.
It is a secret, subconscious cry for help. "I don't know how to love myself. Help me feel loved."
It's not a lack. It's not a problem. It's a not knowing how. It's a trauma of the past. It's a human thing. It's inescapable to some degree.
I'm not used to standing on my own two feet. I'm not used to being my own backbone. I'm not used to harnessing my own energy. I'm not used to being whole and complete for no reason.
I'm getting used to it, especially since I decided to take a break from social media.
What I'm also learning is that it's more fulfilling to serve and communicate with people directly, as opposed to sending mass messaged via social media.
The former is about connecting and giving. The latter is about showing off and getting attention.
I don't need validation anymore. Or rather, I don't want to need it. I'm being careful of not crossing that line of self-righteousness. And, at the same time, being so on my own team that it does come off as over-confident at times.
Grounded, really, is the vibe I'm looking for. One that the men I admire carry.
What I'm seeing is the sense of responsibility that I am being called to take on. To really give of myself and my life toward something more than my own needs. Not to say my own needs are not important, cause they definitely are. But beyond my own needs being met, it is much bigger.
Like how fathers are given the responsibility to provide financially, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically to their families, I am being called to embody a similar energy. For myself, the people around me, my clients, and ultimately the world.
Not because I should, or I'm special, but because it's what I'm capable of.
I'm not special. I want to remind myself and you that. This is not about some "Gabe's journey to stardom" and shit. It's much bigger than me.
I'm just doing what I'm being called to do. There's no significance in it. No egotistical reward for me at the end. Will I be rewarded, yes. But it doesn't make me anything above or below others.
Lol, not at all.
This shit is nuts.
